It's November and 2 years ago, around this time, I sunk into a deep dark depression which was preceded by a panick attack after a particuarly distressing session with a client. I had allowed my work to take up all my energy resources, both emotionally and physically.
Other people went off with stress, but I prided myself that I wasn't one of them. So, for me to accept and acknowledge that I needed some time off wasn't easy.
Also I am surrounded by some very strong and resilient colleagues who are so passionate about what they do, that I felt guilty about not being able to carry on.
I have to admit, I do get ground down by the stark realities of my role, and every now and then I want to disappear for a while and hide from the despair that goes with my job.
I am feeling that familiar feeling of helplessness and distress at the moment. I have let my work get on top of me, I am not good at protecting myself from other people's emotional turmoil, and I have allowed my emotional resources to be drained. I have let my client's project their unhappiness onto me and now I am suffering.
I am feeling guilty that I feel like this when my colleagues are able to stay strong and detatched. I am walking in the office each day projecting my gloom and emotional tiredness onto them and I feel guilty about that too.
Most of the time, I find it a priviledge to be doing what I do. When people who have not met me before, and do not know me from Adam, let me into their lives, and trust me I feel humbled and truly hounoured.
I was listeining to Desert Island Discs the other day,and heard Lord Victor Adebowale. What an inspiring man. He founded Centrepoint, the charity that provides support for young homeless people, and has devoted the last decade to overseeing services for people who are homeless, suffering from drug or alcohol addiction, mental health illness or learning disabilities.
He talked about the pride he feels when sitting alongside the people he has supported and continues to support. He compared the fact that many people spend their lives trying to get power over others, to the fact that people come to services like his and mine, and hand us power to help them change their lives.
And I do agree with him that when you see someone turn their life around and make positive changes, it is a real priviledge and very rewarding.
He said he doesn't get worn down.
I'm afraid that's just fed into my guilt and frustration that I do and am, worn down. I feel more guiltly right now, because I am part time. I work with wonderful colleagues, all of whom are full time, and some of whom, do not have the emotional or physical support that I do. I have Rob which is why I can afford to be part time, and in whom I vent alot of my frustration and despair.
My Friends and colleagues, do not have the luxury of a partner to bring in a 2nd higher wage so they have no option but to work full time, however they seem able to cope better than I even though I am part time.
The truth is staring at me in the face, and has been doing so since I had that mini breakdown.
It is glaringly obvious that I am not cut out for this kind of work. I love it when I am on top and I find it incredibly rewarding and energizing,even, when I am coping.
However, for much of the time, probably, the majority of the time, I find it drains the life out of me and I want to run and hide.
This is where I am right here, right now. I am feeling unwell from the stress of dealing with people who face such difficulty and emotional and physical challenges.
I have tomorrow off, and I am going to go out for a long walk, do some deep breathing, make some banana bread, see a good friend and just ground myself again.
And I will remind myself to be grateful that I have what is right here, right now, in this moment, and that is the inner strengh I have which will me find the outer strengh to carry on supporting my clients.
I need to take comfort and support from what is around me, all those things at the heart of this blog:
What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Steams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this is, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare
(Leisure, by WH Davies)
As I have touched on before, we make our own rules and if we place high expectations on ourselves, then we are going to fall.
It doesn't help me to feel guilty that I am struggling within my job role right now and I have to challenge those irrational thoughts of guilt and with the more rational thinking that everything we feel is relevent to us.
I am not as emotionally resiliant as my colleagues and I need to accept that and give myself some time to gather my emotional strengh up. That may mean that I simply need to give myself a few days at work when I don't see as many clients, or it might be that I just need to take some leave.
What I need to do however, is stop feeling guilty because that may just help me to recover from this period of self - doubt and inability. Guilt doesn't work. It is a disabling emotion, not an enabling one. It is negative and holds us back. Guilt weakens our spirit because it creates a conflict inside us. For me, it is how I want to be (emotionally strong and resilient and able to protect myself from the projections of other people's distress), and how I am (unable to put adequate barriers up to protect myself from taking on other people's despair and, as a result becoming run down).
If we set ourselves high standards, we beat ourselves up when we fail to meet them, so we need to lower them and make it easy on ourselves, therefore giving us fewer opportunities to feel guilty.
Guilt is very restricting and as I have touched on in another post, I am good at believing that I "should" do things to compensate for something or other.
For many years, I felt guilty that I had met a wonderful man and for the life we had created together. I didn't feel deserving of what I had so I compensated by pursuing the line of work I am in now. I felt like I "should" help others and so it is, that for over 10 years, I have been supporting people to realise their hopes and dreams and to fulfill their potential. However, far from easing my guilt, I continue to feel guilty because I come across people who experience such hopelessness and disappointment with their life, that I feel guilty for my life!
So it is, that this guilt drags me down.
I Feel guilty that I am able to be part time when my colleagues have to work full time. So I compensate by putting in extra hours, staying late, not taking a lunch break or coming in early.
And so it is, that this guilt makes me ill because I take on too much!
I feel guilty that my wonderful husband has to go to work every day for long hours, while I have a day off at home and a day to partake in a voluntary role that he would love to have the opportunity to do. So I compensate by trying to get all household things done rather than focus on my interests and activities.
And so it is, that I get frustrated because I don't get to do what I want.
And I want to highlight here, that my gorgeous husband in no way contributes to my feelings of guilt. He actively encourages me to pursue my interests such as writing this blog, gardening, running, walking, arts and crafts, but it doesn't matter how much he tells me not to feel guilty for having the time to pursue them, I still do!
This blog is about my journey to find my vocation, my inner peace and contentment and...............TO STOP FEELING GUILTY and TO JUST BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE AND AM ABLE TO DO!
I have just looked back through my previous posts and have noticed that I have mentioned feeling guilty in both my first post and twice in my 2nd post and then once again in my 5th post.
It is definately a theme that appears runs through my life.
Guilt is optional and it causes conflict within ourselves and resemtment towards others, both of which I am experiencing right now, as I battle with my self to carry on or take some time out, and with the feelings I am experiencing towards my clients that they have made me feel like this.
It is not their fault, I have failed to protect myself, I have tried to give too much to ease the guilt I have over how much I have and it has backfired again.
I do my clients, and myself no favours because if I go off ill, they will suffer, however, if I start to put protective factors in place now so that I avoid being drained of any more emotional resources, I can continue to have the emotional capacity to carry on supporting them without disrupting our work together too much.
So, I will focus on staying in the moment, being grateful for what I have rather than feeling guilty for it and encourage my clients to also see what they have rather than what they haven't.
They have the moment as much as I do. The natural world is on their doorstep as much as it is on mine. They have the possibility of making a change with my support and the support of others, and they have opportunity.
I have seen people literally rise from the ashes and turn thier life around completely. Their stories are inspirational and prove that with the the right attitude and discipline, diligence and dedication we can achieve our aspiration and follow our vocation in life.
Writing this has helped me acknowledge where I am and why and what I have to do about it. There is alot of power in expressing our thoughts, getting them out of our head. I feel better already and I feel that I can go back to work, actually wanting to go back!
Thankyou for reading!
Showing posts with label Feeling Guilty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feeling Guilty. Show all posts
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
Friday, 21 October 2011
CONSUMER BLITZ
I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HOW I HAVE CHANGED AS I HAVE TRAVELLED ON THIS JOURNEY CALLED LIFE.
MY LIFE IS RICHER AND MORE DIVERSE NOW THAN IT HAS EVER BEEN.
LIFE IS INTERESTING AND EXCITING AND HAS BECOME MORE SO AS I HAVE GOT OLDER.
IT WASN'T ALWAYS SO, BUT WITH PERSISTANCE, VISION, HOPE, AN INNER STRENGH AND THE LOVE THAT I GIVE AND RECEIVE, I NOW LEAD A CREATIVE, FULFILLING AND ENRICHING LIFE.
I HAVE MORE TIME BECAUSE MY CHILDREN ARE OLDER AND MORE SELF RELIANT, AND I NO LONGER HAVE TO WORK FULL TIME.
HAVING THIS TIME HAS CERTAINLY MADE FOR A BETTER QUALITY OF LIFE AND GIVEN ME THE OPPORTUNITIES TO BE MORE CREATIVE IN HOW I LIVE.
WHEN I LOOK BACK, I REMEMBER HAVING A VERY HECTIC AND TIRING SCHEDULE.
I LIVED MY LIFE ROUND THE CLOCK, HAVING TO BE AT WORK AT A CERTAIN TIME, LEAVING IN TIME TO PICK THE KIDS UP AND EVERYTHING THAT GOES WITH BALANCING WORK AND FAMILY.
I NEVER GAVE MYSELF A CHANCE TO "ENJOY THE MOMENT" (as highlighted in my previous post as being an extremely important part of finding enjoyment in life)
HOW COULD I? I HAD PLACED ALL THESE EXPECTATIONS AND COMMITMENTS ON MYSELF. WE HAD BOUGHT THE HOUSE TO SATISFY OUR OBSESSION WITH OWNING A PROPERTY SO NOW WE HAD TO PAY FOR IT WITH THE SOUL CRUSHING, ROBOTIC TEDIUM OF THE DAILY GRIND.
THIS GAVE ME NO ROOM TO THINK ABOUT AN ALTERNATIVE WAY OF LIVING. BUT MAYBE I DIDN'T REALLY WANT ONE BACK THEN. I WASN'T PARTICUARLY RADICAL OR PROGRESSIVE IN MY THINKING AND I WAS YOUNG, EASILY INFLUENCED, NAIVE AND MATERIALISTIC AS I BUILT A HOME WITH THE HELP OF CONSUMERISM AND EXPECTATION FROM SOCIETY THAT THAT WAS HOW IT SHOULD BE:
GO TO WORK, MAKE MONEY, SPEND MONEY, BUY A HOUSE, BUY A CAR, GO ON FOREIGN HOLIDAYS, GET INTO DEBT, WORK MORE TO PAY THAT DEBT OFF!
I CAN SEE NOW THAT I WAS BEING EXPLOITED BY THIS MODERN CAPATALIST SOCIETY BUT I FELL FOR IT AND DID SO UNTIL VERY RECENTLY.
I AM NOW IN RECOVERY. STOPPING MY CONFORMIST AND CONSUMERIST LED LIFESTYLE WAS EASY. MAINTAINING IT TAKES DISCIPLINE, A CHANGE OF DESIRE AND FINDING REWARD IN OTHER SOURCES.
I AM FINDING THAT I LEAD A MORE SPONTANEOUS, EXCITING AND CREATIVE LIFE. I AM SPIRITUALLY RICHER AND SELF - RELIANT.
"OUR NATURAL DESIRE IS TO LIVE WELL AND ENJOY LIFE IS CO-OPTED BY THE CONSUMER SYSTEM AND TURNED INTO SOMETHING MATERIALLY BASED AND ENSLAVING. IT SEEMS OBVIOUS THAT IF WE COULD JUST EXTINGUISH CONSUMER DESIRES AND STOP SHOPPING, WE WOULD GET A LOT CLOSER TO EVERY DAY LIBERTY, SIMPLY BECAUSE WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO SO MUCH WORK. THIS IS NOT THAT ONE CAN'T ENJOY LUXURIES, IT'S JUST THAT WE SHOULDN'T TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY AS A KIND OF GOAL IN LIFE.
THE KEY IS NOT TO RENOUNCE ALL PLEASURE BUT TO BE A MASTER OF THEM"
(taken from "How to be Free", of course!!!)
IN THIS CONSUMER DRIVEN SOCIETY, WE ARE LED TO BELIEVE THAT "THINGS" WILL SOMEHOW ENHANCE OUR LIVES. SO WE BUY THESE THINGS WHICH DON'T LIVE UP TO EXPECTATION, THEY DISAPPOINT AND DON'T MAKE OUR LIVES BETTER AS WE WERE LED TO BELIEVE.
BUT DO WE ABANDON THESE "THINGS"? NO, WE SIMPLY BUY THE NEW AND IMPROVED "THING".
I'M COMPLETELY GUILTY OF THIS BEHAVIOUR. LOOK AT THE PREVIOUS POST ON MY NEW MOBILE.
THE MESSAGE TOM HODGKINSON MAINTAINS THROUGHOUT HIS BOOK IS THAT CAPATILISM WORKS THROUGH A CONSTANT STREAM OF DISAPPOINTMENTS WHICH ENCOURAGE THE SPENDING OF MORE AND MORE MONEY.
WE AREN'T HAPPY WITH JUST THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE; SOMEWHERE TO LIVE; FOOD TO EAT; SMALL LUXURIES SUCH AS GOOD WINE AND CHOCOLATE; A GOOD DVD OR BOOK AND FRIENDS AND/OR FAMILY.
THIS IS WHAT'S IMPORTANT.
"THINGS" ARE MERELY DECORATION, DISTRACTION, OSTENTATION AND VANITY.
THE UNMATERIALISTIC LIFESTYLE CAN BE ACHIEVED ON ANY INCOME.
WHAT I HAVE FOUND IS THAT MY DESIRE FOR "STUFF" HASN'T MAGICALLY STOPPED. THAT WOULD BE TOO EASY!
BUT I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME CONSUMED BY MY "NEED" FOR IT BECAUSE I DON'T "NEED" IT AT ALL AND I CAN RATIONLISE THAT WITH MYSELF NOW. I DO ACKNOWLEDGE IT, BUT I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO GIVE IT MUCH THOUGHT. I DISTRACT MYSELF WITH DOING SOMETHING BETTER THAN SHOPPING. I SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, I READ A GOOD BOOK, I GO FOR A WALK, I MAKE A NICE DINNER AND FIND THAT THE REWARD I GET FROM LEADING THIS MORE LAID BACK, ENJOYABLE AND FREE WAY OF LIFE FAR EXCEEDS ANY BENEFIT FROM CONTINUING A CONSUMER DRIVEN LIFE STYLE.
IF WE ALL CONSUME LESS, LAUGH MORE AND STOP STRIVING FOR THE NEXT BIG THING, I'M CERTAIN WE WOULD EXIST IN A HAPPIER WORLD.
DOMESTIC BLITZ (Joke............or is it?!!)!
AM
7 - Get up, shower and dress.
7.15 - Get children up
7.20 - Let dog out in the garden
7.30 - Make breakfast
7.35 -Let dog back in
7.45 - Make children's lunches
8 - Get children washed, dressed and hair combed
8.20- Husband leaves for work
8.30 - Take children to school
8.31 - Return to house for packed lunches
8.32 - Set off again for school
8.45 - Drop children off
9 - School phones
9.15 - Return to school with swimming kit
9.30 - Return home, Wash up, Clean kitchen
10 - Put washing machine on
10.30 -Vacuum and polish. Make Beds
11 - Empty dishwasher
12 noon - Go to supermarket for weekly shop
PM
2 - Put shopping away
2.30 - Prepare soup and sandwich for lunch
2.31 - Hang washing on line
2.35 - Starting to rain - bring Washing back in
2.36 - Rain stops, Re-hang washing on line
2.40 - sit down (for 1st time) to eat lunch
2.41 - Torrential downpour. Bring in washing
2.42 - Dog eats sandwich
2.50 - Pour cold soup away.No time for another sandwich
3 - Collect children
3.30 - Arrive Home
3.35 - Return to school
3.40 - Collect forgotten school bag
3.45 - Arrive home
4 - Make snacks
4.15 - Give dog his dinner
4.30 - Dog not touched dinner. Let dog out
4.45 - Let dog back in
5 - Re-Spin sodden washing
5.30 - Eat apple
5.45 - Supervise homework while ironing
6.15 - Finish ironing. Put clothes away
6.30 - Empty tumble dryer
6.45 - Husband calls. Will be home 7.30
7 - Start dinner
7.10 - Tell children to pick up toys and homework from lounge floor
7.30 - Turn TV off. Sit down (for 2nd time) with children to eat. Put husband's dinner in oven
7.31 - Burning smell from kitchen. Run and remove husband's dinner from oven. Scrape off black bits.
7.32 - Dog jumps up at table and eats my dinner
7.35 - Start to pick up children's toys, homework and books from floor.
7.36 - Phone rings, Take message re football team
7.40 - Children finish eating. Send upstairs to wash and get ready for bed
7.45 - Start to tidy up lounge
7.46 - Hear screams from children fighting upstairs
7.47 - Stub toe on toy left on floor
7.48 - Run upstairs to separate children
7.49 - Remove toothpaste from youngest child's ear
7.53 - Load dishwasher
7.55 - Fold school uniforms. Pour 2 glasses of wine
7.56 - Drink both glasses
7.59 - Put dog's dinner (untouched) in bin
8 - Husband arrives home and says
"Have you seen the state of the lounge?
WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL DAY?"
Anyone relate to this?.........................!!!!!!
MY LIFE IS RICHER AND MORE DIVERSE NOW THAN IT HAS EVER BEEN.
LIFE IS INTERESTING AND EXCITING AND HAS BECOME MORE SO AS I HAVE GOT OLDER.
IT WASN'T ALWAYS SO, BUT WITH PERSISTANCE, VISION, HOPE, AN INNER STRENGH AND THE LOVE THAT I GIVE AND RECEIVE, I NOW LEAD A CREATIVE, FULFILLING AND ENRICHING LIFE.
I HAVE MORE TIME BECAUSE MY CHILDREN ARE OLDER AND MORE SELF RELIANT, AND I NO LONGER HAVE TO WORK FULL TIME.
HAVING THIS TIME HAS CERTAINLY MADE FOR A BETTER QUALITY OF LIFE AND GIVEN ME THE OPPORTUNITIES TO BE MORE CREATIVE IN HOW I LIVE.
WHEN I LOOK BACK, I REMEMBER HAVING A VERY HECTIC AND TIRING SCHEDULE.
I LIVED MY LIFE ROUND THE CLOCK, HAVING TO BE AT WORK AT A CERTAIN TIME, LEAVING IN TIME TO PICK THE KIDS UP AND EVERYTHING THAT GOES WITH BALANCING WORK AND FAMILY.
I NEVER GAVE MYSELF A CHANCE TO "ENJOY THE MOMENT" (as highlighted in my previous post as being an extremely important part of finding enjoyment in life)
HOW COULD I? I HAD PLACED ALL THESE EXPECTATIONS AND COMMITMENTS ON MYSELF. WE HAD BOUGHT THE HOUSE TO SATISFY OUR OBSESSION WITH OWNING A PROPERTY SO NOW WE HAD TO PAY FOR IT WITH THE SOUL CRUSHING, ROBOTIC TEDIUM OF THE DAILY GRIND.
THIS GAVE ME NO ROOM TO THINK ABOUT AN ALTERNATIVE WAY OF LIVING. BUT MAYBE I DIDN'T REALLY WANT ONE BACK THEN. I WASN'T PARTICUARLY RADICAL OR PROGRESSIVE IN MY THINKING AND I WAS YOUNG, EASILY INFLUENCED, NAIVE AND MATERIALISTIC AS I BUILT A HOME WITH THE HELP OF CONSUMERISM AND EXPECTATION FROM SOCIETY THAT THAT WAS HOW IT SHOULD BE:
GO TO WORK, MAKE MONEY, SPEND MONEY, BUY A HOUSE, BUY A CAR, GO ON FOREIGN HOLIDAYS, GET INTO DEBT, WORK MORE TO PAY THAT DEBT OFF!
I CAN SEE NOW THAT I WAS BEING EXPLOITED BY THIS MODERN CAPATALIST SOCIETY BUT I FELL FOR IT AND DID SO UNTIL VERY RECENTLY.
I AM NOW IN RECOVERY. STOPPING MY CONFORMIST AND CONSUMERIST LED LIFESTYLE WAS EASY. MAINTAINING IT TAKES DISCIPLINE, A CHANGE OF DESIRE AND FINDING REWARD IN OTHER SOURCES.
I AM FINDING THAT I LEAD A MORE SPONTANEOUS, EXCITING AND CREATIVE LIFE. I AM SPIRITUALLY RICHER AND SELF - RELIANT.
"OUR NATURAL DESIRE IS TO LIVE WELL AND ENJOY LIFE IS CO-OPTED BY THE CONSUMER SYSTEM AND TURNED INTO SOMETHING MATERIALLY BASED AND ENSLAVING. IT SEEMS OBVIOUS THAT IF WE COULD JUST EXTINGUISH CONSUMER DESIRES AND STOP SHOPPING, WE WOULD GET A LOT CLOSER TO EVERY DAY LIBERTY, SIMPLY BECAUSE WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO SO MUCH WORK. THIS IS NOT THAT ONE CAN'T ENJOY LUXURIES, IT'S JUST THAT WE SHOULDN'T TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY AS A KIND OF GOAL IN LIFE.
THE KEY IS NOT TO RENOUNCE ALL PLEASURE BUT TO BE A MASTER OF THEM"
(taken from "How to be Free", of course!!!)
IN THIS CONSUMER DRIVEN SOCIETY, WE ARE LED TO BELIEVE THAT "THINGS" WILL SOMEHOW ENHANCE OUR LIVES. SO WE BUY THESE THINGS WHICH DON'T LIVE UP TO EXPECTATION, THEY DISAPPOINT AND DON'T MAKE OUR LIVES BETTER AS WE WERE LED TO BELIEVE.
BUT DO WE ABANDON THESE "THINGS"? NO, WE SIMPLY BUY THE NEW AND IMPROVED "THING".
I'M COMPLETELY GUILTY OF THIS BEHAVIOUR. LOOK AT THE PREVIOUS POST ON MY NEW MOBILE.
THE MESSAGE TOM HODGKINSON MAINTAINS THROUGHOUT HIS BOOK IS THAT CAPATILISM WORKS THROUGH A CONSTANT STREAM OF DISAPPOINTMENTS WHICH ENCOURAGE THE SPENDING OF MORE AND MORE MONEY.
WE AREN'T HAPPY WITH JUST THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE; SOMEWHERE TO LIVE; FOOD TO EAT; SMALL LUXURIES SUCH AS GOOD WINE AND CHOCOLATE; A GOOD DVD OR BOOK AND FRIENDS AND/OR FAMILY.
THIS IS WHAT'S IMPORTANT.
"THINGS" ARE MERELY DECORATION, DISTRACTION, OSTENTATION AND VANITY.
THE UNMATERIALISTIC LIFESTYLE CAN BE ACHIEVED ON ANY INCOME.
WHAT I HAVE FOUND IS THAT MY DESIRE FOR "STUFF" HASN'T MAGICALLY STOPPED. THAT WOULD BE TOO EASY!
BUT I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME CONSUMED BY MY "NEED" FOR IT BECAUSE I DON'T "NEED" IT AT ALL AND I CAN RATIONLISE THAT WITH MYSELF NOW. I DO ACKNOWLEDGE IT, BUT I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO GIVE IT MUCH THOUGHT. I DISTRACT MYSELF WITH DOING SOMETHING BETTER THAN SHOPPING. I SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, I READ A GOOD BOOK, I GO FOR A WALK, I MAKE A NICE DINNER AND FIND THAT THE REWARD I GET FROM LEADING THIS MORE LAID BACK, ENJOYABLE AND FREE WAY OF LIFE FAR EXCEEDS ANY BENEFIT FROM CONTINUING A CONSUMER DRIVEN LIFE STYLE.
IF WE ALL CONSUME LESS, LAUGH MORE AND STOP STRIVING FOR THE NEXT BIG THING, I'M CERTAIN WE WOULD EXIST IN A HAPPIER WORLD.
DOMESTIC BLITZ (Joke............or is it?!!)!
AM
7 - Get up, shower and dress.
7.15 - Get children up
7.20 - Let dog out in the garden
7.30 - Make breakfast
7.35 -Let dog back in
7.45 - Make children's lunches
8 - Get children washed, dressed and hair combed
8.20- Husband leaves for work
8.30 - Take children to school
8.31 - Return to house for packed lunches
8.32 - Set off again for school
8.45 - Drop children off
9 - School phones
9.15 - Return to school with swimming kit
9.30 - Return home, Wash up, Clean kitchen
10 - Put washing machine on
10.30 -Vacuum and polish. Make Beds
11 - Empty dishwasher
12 noon - Go to supermarket for weekly shop
PM
2 - Put shopping away
2.30 - Prepare soup and sandwich for lunch
2.31 - Hang washing on line
2.35 - Starting to rain - bring Washing back in
2.36 - Rain stops, Re-hang washing on line
2.40 - sit down (for 1st time) to eat lunch
2.41 - Torrential downpour. Bring in washing
2.42 - Dog eats sandwich
2.50 - Pour cold soup away.No time for another sandwich
3 - Collect children
3.30 - Arrive Home
3.35 - Return to school
3.40 - Collect forgotten school bag
3.45 - Arrive home
4 - Make snacks
4.15 - Give dog his dinner
4.30 - Dog not touched dinner. Let dog out
4.45 - Let dog back in
5 - Re-Spin sodden washing
5.30 - Eat apple
5.45 - Supervise homework while ironing
6.15 - Finish ironing. Put clothes away
6.30 - Empty tumble dryer
6.45 - Husband calls. Will be home 7.30
7 - Start dinner
7.10 - Tell children to pick up toys and homework from lounge floor
7.30 - Turn TV off. Sit down (for 2nd time) with children to eat. Put husband's dinner in oven
7.31 - Burning smell from kitchen. Run and remove husband's dinner from oven. Scrape off black bits.
7.32 - Dog jumps up at table and eats my dinner
7.35 - Start to pick up children's toys, homework and books from floor.
7.36 - Phone rings, Take message re football team
7.40 - Children finish eating. Send upstairs to wash and get ready for bed
7.45 - Start to tidy up lounge
7.46 - Hear screams from children fighting upstairs
7.47 - Stub toe on toy left on floor
7.48 - Run upstairs to separate children
7.49 - Remove toothpaste from youngest child's ear
7.53 - Load dishwasher
7.55 - Fold school uniforms. Pour 2 glasses of wine
7.56 - Drink both glasses
7.59 - Put dog's dinner (untouched) in bin
8 - Husband arrives home and says
"Have you seen the state of the lounge?
WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL DAY?"
Anyone relate to this?.........................!!!!!!
Sunday, 21 August 2011
JoyFest Memories
After lighting two candles to symbolise our lives before we were joined in formal union, we lit this Third Candle to symbolise our lives and hopes together. My bouquet of dragonflys rests behind it. The three candles stay alight as a symbol of our togetherness and continuing individuality. We were lucky to be blessed with a wonderfully calm, warm and sunny day, which meant that the candles DID, in fact stay alight! |
Three weeks ago to almost exactly this time (around 6pm) I was finally able to get in a shower after a day of goodbyes and Thankyou's! It is the only thing I would change about that whole amazing weekend, Not having a shower, but having a shower at that time!
So, finally, after I'd had myshower, I found myself so exhaused and emotinal after 72 hours of what I can only describe as the most memorable and significant weekend of my life so far, that I crawled into our hired tipee and missed the last evening of fun with the few family and friends who stayed with us until the very end!
Joyfest is what we called our weekend of celebration and much merriment! and Joyfest took about a year and a half to bring about. We went completely over budget, we have totally no money left, but it was absoloutely worth every penny that we have saved over the 15 years we have been together!
We had a vision, and somehow, even more than that vision became reality and we created the wedding, festival weekend that we had hoped and dreamed of, but never in a million years, did we dare to believe that it would go so well and be so wonderfully full of love, friendship and real warmth which radiated from every adult and child that honoured us with their presense!
We have been truly humbled by the whole experience, and, as I said in my last post, life will never be the same again, not just because we are now husband and wife (nothing has changed there apart from my title) but because when you can actually see and feel so much Love around you, it gives you a different perspective. It is hard to explain, I knew we had incredible friends and family, I knew they loved us but maybe it's that we took that for granted.
Joyfest could not have happened were it not for these ultra remarkable, truly special, beautiful inside and out, lovely, very dear Friends and Family, and they became our theme along with Love, Peace and Creativity. Friends and Family were the reason that we wanted this, without them, there may not be an us, and certainly would not have been a JoyFest! JoyFest was about being with the wonderful people who we love, respect and from whom we have learnt so much, it was a thankyou to them for being in our lives and we are so priviledged that they were there.
It was because of them, that JoyFest came together in the way it did. We wanted our frieinds and family to feel that it was their JoyFest, we wanted them to feel truly a part of it and to stamp their own unique individuality on it! We didn't want presents, but instead asked people to bring a dish of food, games to play, and to make an item of decoration. This they did in abundance. The marquee was beautiful, the food was delicious and there was 24/7 entertainment! We also made our own decorations and, because one of our passions is recycling, much of what we made was from recycled material, such as our green bottle candle holders and bunting from old material! My beautiful friend Emma, painted jars with dragon and butterflys and decorated them with beads for a fabulous table display! Rob is an amateur potter and made all the pots that went on the tables, in which my wonderful friend Kate, bought and arranged the eye catching sunflowers.
My sister in law made an incredible wall display of butterflys which proved to be the main eyecatching attraction!
When we jumped the broomstick, it had been decorated with ribbons which had messages on!
So life has changed a little in the respect that we will be certain NEVER to take Love and Friendship for granted and also because we now truly comprehend how blessed and lucky we are, which maybe we didn't quite understand to the full extent before 3weeks ago.
As I said in my first post, maybe now I understand the significance of Living in the moment. Before JoyFest I may have been guilty of not giving enough of my time to friends and family. I am always trying to fit a million and one things into a day, and making time for my friends suffers as a result. No more though! I thought I understood the value of friendship but I don't think I could have understood it enough. Now I totally see. I am going to stop feeingl guilty if I don't hoover or don't make dinner before 6, or don't get the dogs out for at least an hour and a half walk! If the hoovering has to wait, the dinner becomes pasta and cheese and the dogs get 20 mins, then I know that is perfectly OK. What is important, is giving my time to the people in my life whom make it so fulfilling, and without whom, I wouldn't have a life worth blogging about!
I have also been guilty of holding onto those times when I feel let down or disappointed in someone. I can see now, how ridiculous this is. We can't please all of the people all the time, however hard we try, and my friends and family have commitments that won't include me, just as I do. My Friends and Family have shown me how important I am to them in the most wonderful expression of Love. This knowledge and memory will inform every decision and choice I make in the future and I can say in this blog that I will NEVER doubt that Love EVER! I will live in the moment, appreciate what I have here and now, have a notion of what is going on around me in any given situation, won't be oblivious and won't predict the future or hold onto to past disappoinments which I am ashamed to say I may have done before JoyFest. How Stupid I feel about that now!I don't want to forget one single moment of JoyFest and it was during that extraordinary weekend that I understood the importance of not missing any moment when it is happening and to live in the right here, right now. That was a life affirming lesson learnt.
Rob and I are lucky enough to have the most special and inspiring people as Friends. Two of these Friends are the wonderful wedding photographers Pen and Cam. Pen is my oldest, closest Friend and we have been in each other's life for nearly 26 years. This gorgeous couple worked their socks off during JoyFest and did us the honour of taking photos of the whole weekend! We are eternally grateful to them and thier website is amazing. Give it a visit at: http://mckinley-rodgers.com/index2.php#/home/
Pen and Cam's photos are available to see on their own blog. The photos here are a mixture from all our Friends and Family. Many of them were taken by my cousin Kirsty Hogg, who, is herself just starting out as a wedding photographer. Here she is with my cousins and below that is another wonderful photo of my cousins with Kirsty behind the lens.
When I look back at our invites and our explanation about what Joyfest is, it is hard to believe that we ( us and our Friends and Family) achieved all that. This is what it read:
We wanted to celebrate with people who share and understand our values and beliefs.
We had the ideal of a festival type celebration where we could have only OUR friends and family, in a peaceful and natural environment where we you can relax and feel comfortable.
We love and value the beauty of nature and we love and value YOU, our Family and Friends, both enrich our lives.
We came across a place that could accomodate all those we want to celebrate with, Stokes Barn, a beautiful and tranquil setting, PERFECT!
Bleu came up with the name "JoyFest".
Ok, so we don't have loads of live bands but we will have YOU, and if a festival is about chilling our with friends in a field with good food, nice drink, entertainment for the children, bit of music and generally feeling relaxed, happy and joyful,
Then we hope, that's what we will have!"
And we DID!
So what about Life post JoyFest? ........................................................................
New experiences and new challenges and a NEW BLOG........................!!!
I have now completed my first 2 posts, and it doesn't seem quite as daunting as I thought it would be! I appear to have managed to work out how to download photos and pictures, although I know there is alot more I can learn to make it look more interesting!
So, here is a challenge I have set myself, to update this blog at least twice a week and to learn how to create an interesting, worth reading blog. I know I have a long way to go, and ALOT to learn! I am the most impatient person when it comes to technology and I need to learn how to write articulately and eloquently. But I have taken my 1st steps, and it feels good!
And I could not have done this without my wonderful husband who has done all the odd jobs around the house, looked after the kids, made the dinner and walked the dogs this weekend, while I have mastered the art of creating a basic (so far) blog!
So, my wonderful Robbie, you are my only fan so far and this post is dedicated to you as a Thankyou for being SUCH a hard working, uncomplaining, amazing husband and helping me take on a new challenge by giving me the time and space to do so.
You are such a hard grafter and continue to astonish and amaze me with your unassuming and modest attitude.
New adventures await..........................................................................................!
Friday, 12 August 2011
The Beginning of a New Chapter!
2 weeks ago, I experienced an event which means that life will never quite be the same as it was before the last weekend of July 2011!
Rob and I celebrated our love with the incredible friends and family who have enriched our lives over the last 15 years.
I have thought about writing a blog for some time. We've all got a story to tell and I have been taught so much by listening to other people's stories. I have met so many people with fascinating backgrounds and incredible tales of survival. I have learnt humility and gratitude from these passionate, strong, determined, tenacious and motivated individuals.
So, here I am, taking my first amateur steps in blogging land, and hoping that what I have to write may inspire someone in the same way that those people have touched me and helped to shape the person I am now and the person I strive to become.
The title for my blog comes from my love of nature and the beauty that surrounds us. The Dragonfly perfectly represents the wonder of our world with it's elegance and loveliness. The Dragonfly represents change and our ability to strive for self actualisation and find the deeper meaning of life through a spiritual awakening. This is something I aspire to keep doing. I believe that we must go through several growth experiences in life before we experience our true purpose and get to a place of inner peace. We have to make life happen, things won't happen to us unless we are proactive in enabling them to happen. We have to keep moving forward if we want to achive our goals, and hopefully make a positvie statement on the world and effect real change.
The Dragonfly also reminds us to live in the moment because it lives as an adult dragonfly for not more than a few months. Therefore it has to mature and reproduce in this short space of time. Living in the present, rather than the future means we will appreciate what we have in the moment rather than always looking for something more. By living in the moment, you stay aware of who you are, where you are, what you are doing and what you do and don't want. This is a skill we can all benefit from in our busy lives as it allows us to make informed choices on a moment to moment basis and if we do this, we can avoid regretting our decisions.
I believe that through our own force of will and intellect, we chart our own path through life. By making the right choices, we can all be predestined for something great. It is our own free will that mucks it up. Sometimes we can be yanked dramatically off this path by fate, chance or coincidence; The people who intersect us on our path can change what our fated destiny is for better or worse. One event might be the catylyst for a thousand other things. However, if we take the opportunities life gives us and use them to our advantage, I believe pretty much anything is achievable!
"The point is, Not to survive, but to thrive with passion, compassion, humour and style"
Maya Angelou
I am all too aware however that there are too many people for whom the above statement really can't be applied. In this global village that we live, there are people fighting for, not only their civil and political rights, but also their economic, social and cultural rights. There are people for whom the basic right of a drink of clean water is denied to them, and for whom, opportunities are non exsistent. I live my life feeling guilty that, by a error of geography, I live in a country where, in the most part, there ARE opportunities, even though, for some, they will have to face more challenges for these occasions to present themselves.
I will have reached self realisation when I have done something that will have an impact on the earth and it's inhabitants. Something that will have positive conseqences for those people who do not have the opportunities that I have been so with.
Maya Angelou
Like I said at the beginning of this post, my life changed more than a little at the end of July. I thought I knew what I had. Since meeting Robbie, I have gradually learnt to accept that maybe I do deserve what I have. I know we've worked hard to get to the place we are today. I feel so lucky and blessed to have what I do and over the last 15 years I have come to realise that, maybe I am deserving of it, rather than to continue believing that something will go wrong to balance the equation.
Instead, I have come to realise that life is full of ups and downs and we are facing challenges every day. It is how we approach and deal with those problems that determines whether they have a greater, negative impact on our lives.
"Treat others how you want to be treated"
Me!
Since the weekend of the 29th-31st July 2011 however, I have become aware that I am even more blessed and lucky than I knew!........................................................................................
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