It's November and 2 years ago, around this time, I sunk into a deep dark depression which was preceded by a panick attack after a particuarly distressing session with a client. I had allowed my work to take up all my energy resources, both emotionally and physically.
Other people went off with stress, but I prided myself that I wasn't one of them. So, for me to accept and acknowledge that I needed some time off wasn't easy.
Also I am surrounded by some very strong and resilient colleagues who are so passionate about what they do, that I felt guilty about not being able to carry on.
I have to admit, I do get ground down by the stark realities of my role, and every now and then I want to disappear for a while and hide from the despair that goes with my job.
I am feeling that familiar feeling of helplessness and distress at the moment. I have let my work get on top of me, I am not good at protecting myself from other people's emotional turmoil, and I have allowed my emotional resources to be drained. I have let my client's project their unhappiness onto me and now I am suffering.
I am feeling guilty that I feel like this when my colleagues are able to stay strong and detatched. I am walking in the office each day projecting my gloom and emotional tiredness onto them and I feel guilty about that too.
Most of the time, I find it a priviledge to be doing what I do. When people who have not met me before, and do not know me from Adam, let me into their lives, and trust me I feel humbled and truly hounoured.
I was listeining to Desert Island Discs the other day,and heard Lord Victor Adebowale. What an inspiring man. He founded Centrepoint, the charity that provides support for young homeless people, and has devoted the last decade to overseeing services for people who are homeless, suffering from drug or alcohol addiction, mental health illness or learning disabilities.
He talked about the pride he feels when sitting alongside the people he has supported and continues to support. He compared the fact that many people spend their lives trying to get power over others, to the fact that people come to services like his and mine, and hand us power to help them change their lives.
And I do agree with him that when you see someone turn their life around and make positive changes, it is a real priviledge and very rewarding.
He said he doesn't get worn down.
I'm afraid that's just fed into my guilt and frustration that I do and am, worn down. I feel more guiltly right now, because I am part time. I work with wonderful colleagues, all of whom are full time, and some of whom, do not have the emotional or physical support that I do. I have Rob which is why I can afford to be part time, and in whom I vent alot of my frustration and despair.
My Friends and colleagues, do not have the luxury of a partner to bring in a 2nd higher wage so they have no option but to work full time, however they seem able to cope better than I even though I am part time.
The truth is staring at me in the face, and has been doing so since I had that mini breakdown.
It is glaringly obvious that I am not cut out for this kind of work. I love it when I am on top and I find it incredibly rewarding and energizing,even, when I am coping.
However, for much of the time, probably, the majority of the time, I find it drains the life out of me and I want to run and hide.
This is where I am right here, right now. I am feeling unwell from the stress of dealing with people who face such difficulty and emotional and physical challenges.
I have tomorrow off, and I am going to go out for a long walk, do some deep breathing, make some banana bread, see a good friend and just ground myself again.
And I will remind myself to be grateful that I have what is right here, right now, in this moment, and that is the inner strengh I have which will me find the outer strengh to carry on supporting my clients.
I need to take comfort and support from what is around me, all those things at the heart of this blog:
What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Steams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this is, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare
(Leisure, by WH Davies)
As I have touched on before, we make our own rules and if we place high expectations on ourselves, then we are going to fall.
It doesn't help me to feel guilty that I am struggling within my job role right now and I have to challenge those irrational thoughts of guilt and with the more rational thinking that everything we feel is relevent to us.
I am not as emotionally resiliant as my colleagues and I need to accept that and give myself some time to gather my emotional strengh up. That may mean that I simply need to give myself a few days at work when I don't see as many clients, or it might be that I just need to take some leave.
What I need to do however, is stop feeling guilty because that may just help me to recover from this period of self - doubt and inability. Guilt doesn't work. It is a disabling emotion, not an enabling one. It is negative and holds us back. Guilt weakens our spirit because it creates a conflict inside us. For me, it is how I want to be (emotionally strong and resilient and able to protect myself from the projections of other people's distress), and how I am (unable to put adequate barriers up to protect myself from taking on other people's despair and, as a result becoming run down).
If we set ourselves high standards, we beat ourselves up when we fail to meet them, so we need to lower them and make it easy on ourselves, therefore giving us fewer opportunities to feel guilty.
Guilt is very restricting and as I have touched on in another post, I am good at believing that I "should" do things to compensate for something or other.
For many years, I felt guilty that I had met a wonderful man and for the life we had created together. I didn't feel deserving of what I had so I compensated by pursuing the line of work I am in now. I felt like I "should" help others and so it is, that for over 10 years, I have been supporting people to realise their hopes and dreams and to fulfill their potential. However, far from easing my guilt, I continue to feel guilty because I come across people who experience such hopelessness and disappointment with their life, that I feel guilty for my life!
So it is, that this guilt drags me down.
I Feel guilty that I am able to be part time when my colleagues have to work full time. So I compensate by putting in extra hours, staying late, not taking a lunch break or coming in early.
And so it is, that this guilt makes me ill because I take on too much!
I feel guilty that my wonderful husband has to go to work every day for long hours, while I have a day off at home and a day to partake in a voluntary role that he would love to have the opportunity to do. So I compensate by trying to get all household things done rather than focus on my interests and activities.
And so it is, that I get frustrated because I don't get to do what I want.
And I want to highlight here, that my gorgeous husband in no way contributes to my feelings of guilt. He actively encourages me to pursue my interests such as writing this blog, gardening, running, walking, arts and crafts, but it doesn't matter how much he tells me not to feel guilty for having the time to pursue them, I still do!
This blog is about my journey to find my vocation, my inner peace and contentment and...............TO STOP FEELING GUILTY and TO JUST BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE AND AM ABLE TO DO!
I have just looked back through my previous posts and have noticed that I have mentioned feeling guilty in both my first post and twice in my 2nd post and then once again in my 5th post.
It is definately a theme that appears runs through my life.
Guilt is optional and it causes conflict within ourselves and resemtment towards others, both of which I am experiencing right now, as I battle with my self to carry on or take some time out, and with the feelings I am experiencing towards my clients that they have made me feel like this.
It is not their fault, I have failed to protect myself, I have tried to give too much to ease the guilt I have over how much I have and it has backfired again.
I do my clients, and myself no favours because if I go off ill, they will suffer, however, if I start to put protective factors in place now so that I avoid being drained of any more emotional resources, I can continue to have the emotional capacity to carry on supporting them without disrupting our work together too much.
So, I will focus on staying in the moment, being grateful for what I have rather than feeling guilty for it and encourage my clients to also see what they have rather than what they haven't.
They have the moment as much as I do. The natural world is on their doorstep as much as it is on mine. They have the possibility of making a change with my support and the support of others, and they have opportunity.
I have seen people literally rise from the ashes and turn thier life around completely. Their stories are inspirational and prove that with the the right attitude and discipline, diligence and dedication we can achieve our aspiration and follow our vocation in life.
Writing this has helped me acknowledge where I am and why and what I have to do about it. There is alot of power in expressing our thoughts, getting them out of our head. I feel better already and I feel that I can go back to work, actually wanting to go back!
Thankyou for reading!
Tuesday 1 November 2011
Friday 28 October 2011
HALLOWEEN HARVEST AND HAPPY HARMONY
Projects like these, which are sadly few and far between, are incredibly valuable. Life is stripped back to basics and people can discover a sense of respect and wonder for nature, and experience something different from their normal lives which can be lonely, frustrating and challenging.
Our environment gives us a world that has a past and present reality and provides opportunities to exercise and socialise. This project enables people, who may not have these opportunities in their day to day lives, to be a part of something wonderful which can only serve to build self belief,a sense of purpose and the realisation that we are part of something much bigger. This knowledge can help to put our problems into perspective.
This project allows people to relax and enjoy the outdoors while giving them the chance to work on the land, get back to nature and find out how food is produced.
There is something wonderful about going out in the morning, doing a hard days work and then actually seeing the results of our labour.
That's a real reward that money can't buy and extremely confidence boosting.
Parsnips have also been harvested, some so big, that it was only possible to dig half of them out!
We also started to dig some of the celeriac last week and leeks and carrots are still being harvested.
What better than parsnip or pumkin soup with roasted celeriac, all home made and home grown.
This is about getting back to basics and working on the land with the seasons.
By giving ourselves the chance to form a relationship with the natural world, we can learn to recognise that our landscape has it's own life and it's own spirit. If we respect the natural world we can live in harmony with it and we can live off it. Our ancestors lived off the land and by the seasons, and each season presented them with new challenges, but they listened to the land and the land gave them what they needed because they were in tune with nature, they were part of it. Going back to basics means reconnecting with nature, growing our own food and protecting mother earth for us and our children. It means becoming self-sustainable and self-sufficient. We can't do any of that if we don't feel part of our natural environment, so go out, be creative, FEEL GROUNDED: - explore, plant, pick, taste, oberve, listen, take photos and indulge in the wonder that surrounds us, the wonder that is OUR world.
When Rob and I exchanged our rings during our Joyfest ceremony, these were the words that my brother spoke:
"These rings, a token of your love for one another, will serve as a reminder that all in life is a cycle, all comes to pass and passes away and comes to pass again.
May the elements bless these rings. Air for hopes and dreams; Fire for the spark of love; Water for harmony and healing; and Earth for strengh.
The circle is the symbol of the sun, the earth and the universe. It is a symbol of wholeness and peace. In the form of a ring, may it stand for you as a symbol of your love for each other, looking inwards and outwards, an embrace that binds without imprisoning, a support that reassures without restricting.
By the exchange of these tokens of your love for one another, so are your lives interlaced. What one experiences, so shall the other; as honesty and love build, so will your bond strenghen and grow.
The circle is a perfect figure, without beginning, without end, with no area of weakness. It is a symbol of the Circle of Life, of death and rebirth. This shall serve as a physical reminder of your vow, and that all things begin and end and begin again. These rings shall serve to remind you that life goes on, that these moments passs. When you are engulfed in anger or in sadness, look to your hand and remember that the wheel turns forever onward, and it is love that turns the wheel.
The symbolism of the circular rings was explained by the great native American leader, Black Elk, who said:
"Everything the power of the worlds does is done in a circle. The sky is round, and I have heard that the earth is round like a ball and so are the stars. The wind in its greatest power whirls. Birds make their nests in circles..............The sun comes forth and goes down again in a circle. Even the seasons form a great circle in their changing and always coming back again to where they were. The life of a man or woman is a circle from childhood to adulthood, and so is everything where power moves."
To me, these words sum up our connection with Mother Earth. We are part of her, part of nature, part of the ever changing cycle of life.
WE MUST STOP DAMAGING HER, STOP PLUNDERING HER RESOURCES AND HURTING HER INHABITANTS. WE NEED TO PROTECT OUR WORLD, GIVE HER TIME TO HEAL AND THEN NURTURE HER SO SHE AND US CAN LIVE AND WORK IN HARMONY.
MOTHER EARTH IS OUR LIFE FORCE, WITHOUT HER AND ALL HER GIFTS TO US, WE WILL PERISH.
I AM ON A JOURNEY TO BECOME SELF RELIANT AND TO LEAD A SUSTAINABLE LIFE.
I HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO BUT THIS IS MY ASPIRATION AND THIS BLOG IS HERE TO RECORD THAT JOURNEY IN ALL IT'S FORMS.
KEEP READING, GO GARDEN, TAKE A RAMBLE, JUST TAKE INSPIRATION FROM WHAT YOU READ AND FEEL!
THANKYOU!
Friday 21 October 2011
CONSUMER BLITZ
I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HOW I HAVE CHANGED AS I HAVE TRAVELLED ON THIS JOURNEY CALLED LIFE.
MY LIFE IS RICHER AND MORE DIVERSE NOW THAN IT HAS EVER BEEN.
LIFE IS INTERESTING AND EXCITING AND HAS BECOME MORE SO AS I HAVE GOT OLDER.
IT WASN'T ALWAYS SO, BUT WITH PERSISTANCE, VISION, HOPE, AN INNER STRENGH AND THE LOVE THAT I GIVE AND RECEIVE, I NOW LEAD A CREATIVE, FULFILLING AND ENRICHING LIFE.
I HAVE MORE TIME BECAUSE MY CHILDREN ARE OLDER AND MORE SELF RELIANT, AND I NO LONGER HAVE TO WORK FULL TIME.
HAVING THIS TIME HAS CERTAINLY MADE FOR A BETTER QUALITY OF LIFE AND GIVEN ME THE OPPORTUNITIES TO BE MORE CREATIVE IN HOW I LIVE.
WHEN I LOOK BACK, I REMEMBER HAVING A VERY HECTIC AND TIRING SCHEDULE.
I LIVED MY LIFE ROUND THE CLOCK, HAVING TO BE AT WORK AT A CERTAIN TIME, LEAVING IN TIME TO PICK THE KIDS UP AND EVERYTHING THAT GOES WITH BALANCING WORK AND FAMILY.
I NEVER GAVE MYSELF A CHANCE TO "ENJOY THE MOMENT" (as highlighted in my previous post as being an extremely important part of finding enjoyment in life)
HOW COULD I? I HAD PLACED ALL THESE EXPECTATIONS AND COMMITMENTS ON MYSELF. WE HAD BOUGHT THE HOUSE TO SATISFY OUR OBSESSION WITH OWNING A PROPERTY SO NOW WE HAD TO PAY FOR IT WITH THE SOUL CRUSHING, ROBOTIC TEDIUM OF THE DAILY GRIND.
THIS GAVE ME NO ROOM TO THINK ABOUT AN ALTERNATIVE WAY OF LIVING. BUT MAYBE I DIDN'T REALLY WANT ONE BACK THEN. I WASN'T PARTICUARLY RADICAL OR PROGRESSIVE IN MY THINKING AND I WAS YOUNG, EASILY INFLUENCED, NAIVE AND MATERIALISTIC AS I BUILT A HOME WITH THE HELP OF CONSUMERISM AND EXPECTATION FROM SOCIETY THAT THAT WAS HOW IT SHOULD BE:
GO TO WORK, MAKE MONEY, SPEND MONEY, BUY A HOUSE, BUY A CAR, GO ON FOREIGN HOLIDAYS, GET INTO DEBT, WORK MORE TO PAY THAT DEBT OFF!
I CAN SEE NOW THAT I WAS BEING EXPLOITED BY THIS MODERN CAPATALIST SOCIETY BUT I FELL FOR IT AND DID SO UNTIL VERY RECENTLY.
I AM NOW IN RECOVERY. STOPPING MY CONFORMIST AND CONSUMERIST LED LIFESTYLE WAS EASY. MAINTAINING IT TAKES DISCIPLINE, A CHANGE OF DESIRE AND FINDING REWARD IN OTHER SOURCES.
I AM FINDING THAT I LEAD A MORE SPONTANEOUS, EXCITING AND CREATIVE LIFE. I AM SPIRITUALLY RICHER AND SELF - RELIANT.
"OUR NATURAL DESIRE IS TO LIVE WELL AND ENJOY LIFE IS CO-OPTED BY THE CONSUMER SYSTEM AND TURNED INTO SOMETHING MATERIALLY BASED AND ENSLAVING. IT SEEMS OBVIOUS THAT IF WE COULD JUST EXTINGUISH CONSUMER DESIRES AND STOP SHOPPING, WE WOULD GET A LOT CLOSER TO EVERY DAY LIBERTY, SIMPLY BECAUSE WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO SO MUCH WORK. THIS IS NOT THAT ONE CAN'T ENJOY LUXURIES, IT'S JUST THAT WE SHOULDN'T TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY AS A KIND OF GOAL IN LIFE.
THE KEY IS NOT TO RENOUNCE ALL PLEASURE BUT TO BE A MASTER OF THEM"
(taken from "How to be Free", of course!!!)
IN THIS CONSUMER DRIVEN SOCIETY, WE ARE LED TO BELIEVE THAT "THINGS" WILL SOMEHOW ENHANCE OUR LIVES. SO WE BUY THESE THINGS WHICH DON'T LIVE UP TO EXPECTATION, THEY DISAPPOINT AND DON'T MAKE OUR LIVES BETTER AS WE WERE LED TO BELIEVE.
BUT DO WE ABANDON THESE "THINGS"? NO, WE SIMPLY BUY THE NEW AND IMPROVED "THING".
I'M COMPLETELY GUILTY OF THIS BEHAVIOUR. LOOK AT THE PREVIOUS POST ON MY NEW MOBILE.
THE MESSAGE TOM HODGKINSON MAINTAINS THROUGHOUT HIS BOOK IS THAT CAPATILISM WORKS THROUGH A CONSTANT STREAM OF DISAPPOINTMENTS WHICH ENCOURAGE THE SPENDING OF MORE AND MORE MONEY.
WE AREN'T HAPPY WITH JUST THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE; SOMEWHERE TO LIVE; FOOD TO EAT; SMALL LUXURIES SUCH AS GOOD WINE AND CHOCOLATE; A GOOD DVD OR BOOK AND FRIENDS AND/OR FAMILY.
THIS IS WHAT'S IMPORTANT.
"THINGS" ARE MERELY DECORATION, DISTRACTION, OSTENTATION AND VANITY.
THE UNMATERIALISTIC LIFESTYLE CAN BE ACHIEVED ON ANY INCOME.
WHAT I HAVE FOUND IS THAT MY DESIRE FOR "STUFF" HASN'T MAGICALLY STOPPED. THAT WOULD BE TOO EASY!
BUT I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME CONSUMED BY MY "NEED" FOR IT BECAUSE I DON'T "NEED" IT AT ALL AND I CAN RATIONLISE THAT WITH MYSELF NOW. I DO ACKNOWLEDGE IT, BUT I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO GIVE IT MUCH THOUGHT. I DISTRACT MYSELF WITH DOING SOMETHING BETTER THAN SHOPPING. I SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, I READ A GOOD BOOK, I GO FOR A WALK, I MAKE A NICE DINNER AND FIND THAT THE REWARD I GET FROM LEADING THIS MORE LAID BACK, ENJOYABLE AND FREE WAY OF LIFE FAR EXCEEDS ANY BENEFIT FROM CONTINUING A CONSUMER DRIVEN LIFE STYLE.
IF WE ALL CONSUME LESS, LAUGH MORE AND STOP STRIVING FOR THE NEXT BIG THING, I'M CERTAIN WE WOULD EXIST IN A HAPPIER WORLD.
DOMESTIC BLITZ (Joke............or is it?!!)!
AM
7 - Get up, shower and dress.
7.15 - Get children up
7.20 - Let dog out in the garden
7.30 - Make breakfast
7.35 -Let dog back in
7.45 - Make children's lunches
8 - Get children washed, dressed and hair combed
8.20- Husband leaves for work
8.30 - Take children to school
8.31 - Return to house for packed lunches
8.32 - Set off again for school
8.45 - Drop children off
9 - School phones
9.15 - Return to school with swimming kit
9.30 - Return home, Wash up, Clean kitchen
10 - Put washing machine on
10.30 -Vacuum and polish. Make Beds
11 - Empty dishwasher
12 noon - Go to supermarket for weekly shop
PM
2 - Put shopping away
2.30 - Prepare soup and sandwich for lunch
2.31 - Hang washing on line
2.35 - Starting to rain - bring Washing back in
2.36 - Rain stops, Re-hang washing on line
2.40 - sit down (for 1st time) to eat lunch
2.41 - Torrential downpour. Bring in washing
2.42 - Dog eats sandwich
2.50 - Pour cold soup away.No time for another sandwich
3 - Collect children
3.30 - Arrive Home
3.35 - Return to school
3.40 - Collect forgotten school bag
3.45 - Arrive home
4 - Make snacks
4.15 - Give dog his dinner
4.30 - Dog not touched dinner. Let dog out
4.45 - Let dog back in
5 - Re-Spin sodden washing
5.30 - Eat apple
5.45 - Supervise homework while ironing
6.15 - Finish ironing. Put clothes away
6.30 - Empty tumble dryer
6.45 - Husband calls. Will be home 7.30
7 - Start dinner
7.10 - Tell children to pick up toys and homework from lounge floor
7.30 - Turn TV off. Sit down (for 2nd time) with children to eat. Put husband's dinner in oven
7.31 - Burning smell from kitchen. Run and remove husband's dinner from oven. Scrape off black bits.
7.32 - Dog jumps up at table and eats my dinner
7.35 - Start to pick up children's toys, homework and books from floor.
7.36 - Phone rings, Take message re football team
7.40 - Children finish eating. Send upstairs to wash and get ready for bed
7.45 - Start to tidy up lounge
7.46 - Hear screams from children fighting upstairs
7.47 - Stub toe on toy left on floor
7.48 - Run upstairs to separate children
7.49 - Remove toothpaste from youngest child's ear
7.53 - Load dishwasher
7.55 - Fold school uniforms. Pour 2 glasses of wine
7.56 - Drink both glasses
7.59 - Put dog's dinner (untouched) in bin
8 - Husband arrives home and says
"Have you seen the state of the lounge?
WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL DAY?"
Anyone relate to this?.........................!!!!!!
MY LIFE IS RICHER AND MORE DIVERSE NOW THAN IT HAS EVER BEEN.
LIFE IS INTERESTING AND EXCITING AND HAS BECOME MORE SO AS I HAVE GOT OLDER.
IT WASN'T ALWAYS SO, BUT WITH PERSISTANCE, VISION, HOPE, AN INNER STRENGH AND THE LOVE THAT I GIVE AND RECEIVE, I NOW LEAD A CREATIVE, FULFILLING AND ENRICHING LIFE.
I HAVE MORE TIME BECAUSE MY CHILDREN ARE OLDER AND MORE SELF RELIANT, AND I NO LONGER HAVE TO WORK FULL TIME.
HAVING THIS TIME HAS CERTAINLY MADE FOR A BETTER QUALITY OF LIFE AND GIVEN ME THE OPPORTUNITIES TO BE MORE CREATIVE IN HOW I LIVE.
WHEN I LOOK BACK, I REMEMBER HAVING A VERY HECTIC AND TIRING SCHEDULE.
I LIVED MY LIFE ROUND THE CLOCK, HAVING TO BE AT WORK AT A CERTAIN TIME, LEAVING IN TIME TO PICK THE KIDS UP AND EVERYTHING THAT GOES WITH BALANCING WORK AND FAMILY.
I NEVER GAVE MYSELF A CHANCE TO "ENJOY THE MOMENT" (as highlighted in my previous post as being an extremely important part of finding enjoyment in life)
HOW COULD I? I HAD PLACED ALL THESE EXPECTATIONS AND COMMITMENTS ON MYSELF. WE HAD BOUGHT THE HOUSE TO SATISFY OUR OBSESSION WITH OWNING A PROPERTY SO NOW WE HAD TO PAY FOR IT WITH THE SOUL CRUSHING, ROBOTIC TEDIUM OF THE DAILY GRIND.
THIS GAVE ME NO ROOM TO THINK ABOUT AN ALTERNATIVE WAY OF LIVING. BUT MAYBE I DIDN'T REALLY WANT ONE BACK THEN. I WASN'T PARTICUARLY RADICAL OR PROGRESSIVE IN MY THINKING AND I WAS YOUNG, EASILY INFLUENCED, NAIVE AND MATERIALISTIC AS I BUILT A HOME WITH THE HELP OF CONSUMERISM AND EXPECTATION FROM SOCIETY THAT THAT WAS HOW IT SHOULD BE:
GO TO WORK, MAKE MONEY, SPEND MONEY, BUY A HOUSE, BUY A CAR, GO ON FOREIGN HOLIDAYS, GET INTO DEBT, WORK MORE TO PAY THAT DEBT OFF!
I CAN SEE NOW THAT I WAS BEING EXPLOITED BY THIS MODERN CAPATALIST SOCIETY BUT I FELL FOR IT AND DID SO UNTIL VERY RECENTLY.
I AM NOW IN RECOVERY. STOPPING MY CONFORMIST AND CONSUMERIST LED LIFESTYLE WAS EASY. MAINTAINING IT TAKES DISCIPLINE, A CHANGE OF DESIRE AND FINDING REWARD IN OTHER SOURCES.
I AM FINDING THAT I LEAD A MORE SPONTANEOUS, EXCITING AND CREATIVE LIFE. I AM SPIRITUALLY RICHER AND SELF - RELIANT.
"OUR NATURAL DESIRE IS TO LIVE WELL AND ENJOY LIFE IS CO-OPTED BY THE CONSUMER SYSTEM AND TURNED INTO SOMETHING MATERIALLY BASED AND ENSLAVING. IT SEEMS OBVIOUS THAT IF WE COULD JUST EXTINGUISH CONSUMER DESIRES AND STOP SHOPPING, WE WOULD GET A LOT CLOSER TO EVERY DAY LIBERTY, SIMPLY BECAUSE WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO SO MUCH WORK. THIS IS NOT THAT ONE CAN'T ENJOY LUXURIES, IT'S JUST THAT WE SHOULDN'T TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY AS A KIND OF GOAL IN LIFE.
THE KEY IS NOT TO RENOUNCE ALL PLEASURE BUT TO BE A MASTER OF THEM"
(taken from "How to be Free", of course!!!)
IN THIS CONSUMER DRIVEN SOCIETY, WE ARE LED TO BELIEVE THAT "THINGS" WILL SOMEHOW ENHANCE OUR LIVES. SO WE BUY THESE THINGS WHICH DON'T LIVE UP TO EXPECTATION, THEY DISAPPOINT AND DON'T MAKE OUR LIVES BETTER AS WE WERE LED TO BELIEVE.
BUT DO WE ABANDON THESE "THINGS"? NO, WE SIMPLY BUY THE NEW AND IMPROVED "THING".
I'M COMPLETELY GUILTY OF THIS BEHAVIOUR. LOOK AT THE PREVIOUS POST ON MY NEW MOBILE.
THE MESSAGE TOM HODGKINSON MAINTAINS THROUGHOUT HIS BOOK IS THAT CAPATILISM WORKS THROUGH A CONSTANT STREAM OF DISAPPOINTMENTS WHICH ENCOURAGE THE SPENDING OF MORE AND MORE MONEY.
WE AREN'T HAPPY WITH JUST THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE; SOMEWHERE TO LIVE; FOOD TO EAT; SMALL LUXURIES SUCH AS GOOD WINE AND CHOCOLATE; A GOOD DVD OR BOOK AND FRIENDS AND/OR FAMILY.
THIS IS WHAT'S IMPORTANT.
"THINGS" ARE MERELY DECORATION, DISTRACTION, OSTENTATION AND VANITY.
THE UNMATERIALISTIC LIFESTYLE CAN BE ACHIEVED ON ANY INCOME.
WHAT I HAVE FOUND IS THAT MY DESIRE FOR "STUFF" HASN'T MAGICALLY STOPPED. THAT WOULD BE TOO EASY!
BUT I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME CONSUMED BY MY "NEED" FOR IT BECAUSE I DON'T "NEED" IT AT ALL AND I CAN RATIONLISE THAT WITH MYSELF NOW. I DO ACKNOWLEDGE IT, BUT I DON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO GIVE IT MUCH THOUGHT. I DISTRACT MYSELF WITH DOING SOMETHING BETTER THAN SHOPPING. I SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, I READ A GOOD BOOK, I GO FOR A WALK, I MAKE A NICE DINNER AND FIND THAT THE REWARD I GET FROM LEADING THIS MORE LAID BACK, ENJOYABLE AND FREE WAY OF LIFE FAR EXCEEDS ANY BENEFIT FROM CONTINUING A CONSUMER DRIVEN LIFE STYLE.
IF WE ALL CONSUME LESS, LAUGH MORE AND STOP STRIVING FOR THE NEXT BIG THING, I'M CERTAIN WE WOULD EXIST IN A HAPPIER WORLD.
DOMESTIC BLITZ (Joke............or is it?!!)!
AM
7 - Get up, shower and dress.
7.15 - Get children up
7.20 - Let dog out in the garden
7.30 - Make breakfast
7.35 -Let dog back in
7.45 - Make children's lunches
8 - Get children washed, dressed and hair combed
8.20- Husband leaves for work
8.30 - Take children to school
8.31 - Return to house for packed lunches
8.32 - Set off again for school
8.45 - Drop children off
9 - School phones
9.15 - Return to school with swimming kit
9.30 - Return home, Wash up, Clean kitchen
10 - Put washing machine on
10.30 -Vacuum and polish. Make Beds
11 - Empty dishwasher
12 noon - Go to supermarket for weekly shop
PM
2 - Put shopping away
2.30 - Prepare soup and sandwich for lunch
2.31 - Hang washing on line
2.35 - Starting to rain - bring Washing back in
2.36 - Rain stops, Re-hang washing on line
2.40 - sit down (for 1st time) to eat lunch
2.41 - Torrential downpour. Bring in washing
2.42 - Dog eats sandwich
2.50 - Pour cold soup away.No time for another sandwich
3 - Collect children
3.30 - Arrive Home
3.35 - Return to school
3.40 - Collect forgotten school bag
3.45 - Arrive home
4 - Make snacks
4.15 - Give dog his dinner
4.30 - Dog not touched dinner. Let dog out
4.45 - Let dog back in
5 - Re-Spin sodden washing
5.30 - Eat apple
5.45 - Supervise homework while ironing
6.15 - Finish ironing. Put clothes away
6.30 - Empty tumble dryer
6.45 - Husband calls. Will be home 7.30
7 - Start dinner
7.10 - Tell children to pick up toys and homework from lounge floor
7.30 - Turn TV off. Sit down (for 2nd time) with children to eat. Put husband's dinner in oven
7.31 - Burning smell from kitchen. Run and remove husband's dinner from oven. Scrape off black bits.
7.32 - Dog jumps up at table and eats my dinner
7.35 - Start to pick up children's toys, homework and books from floor.
7.36 - Phone rings, Take message re football team
7.40 - Children finish eating. Send upstairs to wash and get ready for bed
7.45 - Start to tidy up lounge
7.46 - Hear screams from children fighting upstairs
7.47 - Stub toe on toy left on floor
7.48 - Run upstairs to separate children
7.49 - Remove toothpaste from youngest child's ear
7.53 - Load dishwasher
7.55 - Fold school uniforms. Pour 2 glasses of wine
7.56 - Drink both glasses
7.59 - Put dog's dinner (untouched) in bin
8 - Husband arrives home and says
"Have you seen the state of the lounge?
WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL DAY?"
Anyone relate to this?.........................!!!!!!
Friday 30 September 2011
Seize the second, Marvel at the moment, Embrace and Enjoy Time!
THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS (by Wendell Berry)
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the
great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am
free.
From 5.45 am on Monday mornings to when I get into bed on a Wednesday evening, my life revolves around my job and my family; cooking dinner, walking and feeding dogs, helping with homework and reading; giving lifts to my very own In-Betweener and juggling the all consuming nature of my job with listening to my ever cheerful daughter tell me about her day!
I have a wonderful husband who never ceases to amaze and astound me with his ability to multitask and get things done quickly and efficiently with patience and grace.
I am completely unable to multitask and need to get thing done before I start another which means that my ability to get things done quikly is zero!To put this into context; - last week, I arrived home from work later than usual to find that my husband, having only arrived home an hour before, had fed the dogs;
fed our In-Betweener so he could go to
the gym with a decent meal inside him (rather than his usual routine of stopping at the Spa or Chippy on the way home, or completely worse (for me at least) McDonalds (sharp intake of breath, and breathe Jenny!!!!); had our daughter doing her homework and was chopping vegetables with dinner all on the go!
Now, if the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have spent probably 20 mins or so, playing with the dogs, another 10 mins or so unpacking my bag and opening the junkmail post just to sort it into the recycling, and perhaps, if he was lucky, by the time my husband was walking through the door, I might be feeding the dogs!
When I get into bed on Wednesday evening, I can breathe a sigh of relief and know that I have several days ahead of me when I can switch off from work and put all my concentration into my family, first and foremost, and then my friends and other interests!
However, all too often I find myself waking up on a Thursday , Saturday and Sunday with a feeling of anxiety, fretting about all the things I want to do, all the things I haven't done, and all the things I might never do and all the things I think I "should" do.This feeling doesn't occur on a Friday as that day is set aside to pursue my love of being outside in the natural world with the desire to expand my knowledge of gardening and the mental health field, in the form of voluntary work at a Therapeutic Gardening project for individuals experiencing mental health illness. By doing this, I have given myself routine and structure and a "committment" to someone else.
The problem with Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays is that I am not committed to anyone but myself and my plans. My routine and structure of 4 days a week, when I have to get up at a certain time to walk the dogs goes out of the window and I do not appear to be good at adapting to that change!
I think this uneasy feeling has increasingly become more prominent over the years as I have reduced my hours at work and find myself with more time to pursue the above activities! However, over the years, I have found myself, and in finding myself, I have also realised my aspirations, hopes and desires. Now, this is a double edged sword, because although it is a wonderful revelation to know who I am, what drives me and what I want, it is also a frustration that I didn't know it before, and now have a shorter time to fit it all in!
And it is this that keeps me awake and causes that anxiety!
And there is so much I want to achieve that I honestly feel that I really won't do it all in this lifetime! Ok, maybe that sounds abit drastic, but one example is the fact that I never knew what I wanted to do and fell into the counselling work that I do now, work that is rewarding but which drains the life out of me.
Now I know that my vocation is working with animals and wildlife, in nature and the environment. Raising awareness of issues related to these subjects.
And yes, although I am pursuing my vocation and making it the centre of my life, I know I will never be a naturalist, a wildlife expert, an environmentalist, scientist, conservationalist or marine biologist. So, yes although I can take responsibility for changing the world in my own small way, my disappointment just lies in the fact that it took so long to recognise that I can do this and that perhaps I will never be a wildlife presenter or journalist who gets to go to Borneo to look after orphan orangutans or to Bhutan to search for Tigers!
AND I WILL NEVER GET TO SIT ON A SOFA WITH CHRIS PACKHAM! (if you know me, you know how much I love and admire Chris for his knowledge and passion!)
And therein lies the heart at the subject of this post.
The poem above reminds us that nature and all it's beauty is a part of us, and us a part of it. The same life force that animates us, animates the natural world in which we live, love and thrive.
In every moment we can appreciate the gifts that nature provides, that is the true value of nature.
Birdsound in the morning can lift me away from the treadmill of my pointless, riduclous and idle thoughts. I find it an extravangantly exuberant sound which lifts my spirits and warms my soul.
The lovliness of the birds filling the early hours with passionate song reminds me to just enjoy what I have, what I'm doing and who I am right here, right now. Not everything has to have any more a purpose than that I enjoy it and feel good about doing it, even if it is gloriously pointless!
(like spending hours writing this blog when no-one but me might read it?!)?!
So what I have to stop doing is fretting and feeling guilty about all the things I feel i "should" or "need" to do and just concentrate on those that I "want" to do. Those activities that I value because they enrich my life and the lives of my family, my friends and my community increasing my self-reliance and creativity.
This includes my voluntary work which gives me a great deal of satisfation for so many reasons; also walking and running with the dogs and my daughter; keeping this blog which may or may not benefit others, but it benefits me to keep it; Indulging in my creative streak by making cards and presents which benefits my friends and family and gives me the opportunity to foster that creativity in my daughter; baking; reading; cooking with my daughter and spending time with friends.
As I write this, it seems alot to "fit in". But my challenge is to realise that I don't "need" to or "should" "fit it in" at any particular time and that I have plenty of time, the only person putting time limits on me is me! and when I allow my mind to work overtime, I create the anxiety which in turn creates the procrastination, which in turns creates more anxiety!
"SHOULD" is a Weapon word. A word that only creates inner stress and guilt within us. There are things that do need to be done, such as abit of housecare (as opposed to housework!), laudry, helping with homework, getting my daughter to bed at a reasonable time, etc etc. These things can still be done with enjoyment as long as we don't place a time restriction on ourselves!
If I demand less of myself, I can allow myself the more enjoyable and life-affirming "things that just happen" such as an impulsive visits to see a friends, or inviting them to me, or going on a long walk with the family. My best moments, evenings and days out, have been when they were completely unplanned.
When we are constantly aware of time, we are not living in the moment because we are always planning our nexst move!
The irony is, that a big part of my conselling practise is to encourage people to focus on the present, not worry about the past or the future. I'm not always too good at applying that to my own thought process!
The last 2 days have allowed me to apply some of these values. I haven't felt 100%, nothing major, just a headache that gets worse as soon as I move too much or feel stressed.........................
I have allowed myself to be sick! I haven't put any time restrictions on myself apart from the few hours of work I have done!
This is why I have completed my 6th post, and am on the way to completing my 7th!
I am reading the most amazing book at the moment which speaks to me in every way it could and it's message seeps into my every pore!
The Main message of this book is to encourage, empower and teach us how to live a simpler life. Ironicallly
I think maybe since I've been reading it (which, incidently is really only this week as I've had some more time to myself), I may have got myself more stressed which could be the reason for this headache?........
So why would reading a book that is supposed to be informing me that life doesn't have to be stressful in the least, be making me feel slightly restless?..........
Tom Hodgkinson is living the life I endeavour to. A simple, basic, enjoyable and creative life. My stress stems from the fact that I want to be living that life too, and with a few major changes, which are all on the horizon this will be happening, perhaps within a year. However there is much to be sorted out first and maybe reading the book is reminding me that what I am striving towards is actually going to happen but that feels a little scary, exciting and uncertain. Maybe the stress also comes from wanting my husband to want what I want and knowing that he has a slight variation on my aspirations (even though he totally values them) and the knowledge that we will have to
work through that.
(Having found my vocation, I am now on the way to making that the center of my working life with my husband. We have found a vocation that we both want to make a life from, yes we have slightly different ideas about how we are going to make it work, but make it work we will and I hope to record the journey on DragonFly Aspirations!)
I WILL be writing about this book and how it is relevant to me probably for the duration of this blog! I share Tom Hodgkinson's philosophy on life completely. My aspiration is to follow that philosophy as closely as possible. It won't be easy, and will present challenges, but I totally believe in his attitude, beliefs and values and appreciate that I now own a manual that sums them all up so neatly and presisely! It makes life a little easier to know that I have this valuable resource to hand, so that I can keep referrring to it whenever I am experiencing self doubt in my desire to "throw off the shackles"!
Rules for Being Human:
I am off to walk my dogs feeling extremely smug and satisfied that I have completed post no. 7!
Till post no. 8 - GO AND ENJOY ALL THAT NATURAL WEALTH AWAITING FOR YOU OUTSIDE!
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the
great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am
free.
From 5.45 am on Monday mornings to when I get into bed on a Wednesday evening, my life revolves around my job and my family; cooking dinner, walking and feeding dogs, helping with homework and reading; giving lifts to my very own In-Betweener and juggling the all consuming nature of my job with listening to my ever cheerful daughter tell me about her day!
I have a wonderful husband who never ceases to amaze and astound me with his ability to multitask and get things done quickly and efficiently with patience and grace.I am completely unable to multitask and need to get thing done before I start another which means that my ability to get things done quikly is zero!To put this into context; - last week, I arrived home from work later than usual to find that my husband, having only arrived home an hour before, had fed the dogs;
the gym with a decent meal inside him (rather than his usual routine of stopping at the Spa or Chippy on the way home, or completely worse (for me at least) McDonalds (sharp intake of breath, and breathe Jenny!!!!); had our daughter doing her homework and was chopping vegetables with dinner all on the go!
Now, if the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have spent probably 20 mins or so, playing with the dogs, another 10 mins or so unpacking my bag and opening the junkmail post just to sort it into the recycling, and perhaps, if he was lucky, by the time my husband was walking through the door, I might be feeding the dogs!
When I get into bed on Wednesday evening, I can breathe a sigh of relief and know that I have several days ahead of me when I can switch off from work and put all my concentration into my family, first and foremost, and then my friends and other interests!
However, all too often I find myself waking up on a Thursday , Saturday and Sunday with a feeling of anxiety, fretting about all the things I want to do, all the things I haven't done, and all the things I might never do and all the things I think I "should" do.This feeling doesn't occur on a Friday as that day is set aside to pursue my love of being outside in the natural world with the desire to expand my knowledge of gardening and the mental health field, in the form of voluntary work at a Therapeutic Gardening project for individuals experiencing mental health illness. By doing this, I have given myself routine and structure and a "committment" to someone else.I think this uneasy feeling has increasingly become more prominent over the years as I have reduced my hours at work and find myself with more time to pursue the above activities! However, over the years, I have found myself, and in finding myself, I have also realised my aspirations, hopes and desires. Now, this is a double edged sword, because although it is a wonderful revelation to know who I am, what drives me and what I want, it is also a frustration that I didn't know it before, and now have a shorter time to fit it all in!
And there is so much I want to achieve that I honestly feel that I really won't do it all in this lifetime! Ok, maybe that sounds abit drastic, but one example is the fact that I never knew what I wanted to do and fell into the counselling work that I do now, work that is rewarding but which drains the life out of me.
Now I know that my vocation is working with animals and wildlife, in nature and the environment. Raising awareness of issues related to these subjects.
And yes, although I am pursuing my vocation and making it the centre of my life, I know I will never be a naturalist, a wildlife expert, an environmentalist, scientist, conservationalist or marine biologist. So, yes although I can take responsibility for changing the world in my own small way, my disappointment just lies in the fact that it took so long to recognise that I can do this and that perhaps I will never be a wildlife presenter or journalist who gets to go to Borneo to look after orphan orangutans or to Bhutan to search for Tigers!
AND I WILL NEVER GET TO SIT ON A SOFA WITH CHRIS PACKHAM! (if you know me, you know how much I love and admire Chris for his knowledge and passion!)
And therein lies the heart at the subject of this post.
The poem above reminds us that nature and all it's beauty is a part of us, and us a part of it. The same life force that animates us, animates the natural world in which we live, love and thrive.
In every moment we can appreciate the gifts that nature provides, that is the true value of nature.
Birdsound in the morning can lift me away from the treadmill of my pointless, riduclous and idle thoughts. I find it an extravangantly exuberant sound which lifts my spirits and warms my soul.
The lovliness of the birds filling the early hours with passionate song reminds me to just enjoy what I have, what I'm doing and who I am right here, right now. Not everything has to have any more a purpose than that I enjoy it and feel good about doing it, even if it is gloriously pointless!
So what I have to stop doing is fretting and feeling guilty about all the things I feel i "should" or "need" to do and just concentrate on those that I "want" to do. Those activities that I value because they enrich my life and the lives of my family, my friends and my community increasing my self-reliance and creativity.
This includes my voluntary work which gives me a great deal of satisfation for so many reasons; also walking and running with the dogs and my daughter; keeping this blog which may or may not benefit others, but it benefits me to keep it; Indulging in my creative streak by making cards and presents which benefits my friends and family and gives me the opportunity to foster that creativity in my daughter; baking; reading; cooking with my daughter and spending time with friends.
As I write this, it seems alot to "fit in". But my challenge is to realise that I don't "need" to or "should" "fit it in" at any particular time and that I have plenty of time, the only person putting time limits on me is me! and when I allow my mind to work overtime, I create the anxiety which in turn creates the procrastination, which in turns creates more anxiety!
"SHOULD" is a Weapon word. A word that only creates inner stress and guilt within us. There are things that do need to be done, such as abit of housecare (as opposed to housework!), laudry, helping with homework, getting my daughter to bed at a reasonable time, etc etc. These things can still be done with enjoyment as long as we don't place a time restriction on ourselves!
If I demand less of myself, I can allow myself the more enjoyable and life-affirming "things that just happen" such as an impulsive visits to see a friends, or inviting them to me, or going on a long walk with the family. My best moments, evenings and days out, have been when they were completely unplanned.
When we are constantly aware of time, we are not living in the moment because we are always planning our nexst move!
The irony is, that a big part of my conselling practise is to encourage people to focus on the present, not worry about the past or the future. I'm not always too good at applying that to my own thought process!
The last 2 days have allowed me to apply some of these values. I haven't felt 100%, nothing major, just a headache that gets worse as soon as I move too much or feel stressed.........................
I have allowed myself to be sick! I haven't put any time restrictions on myself apart from the few hours of work I have done!
I am reading the most amazing book at the moment which speaks to me in every way it could and it's message seeps into my every pore!
The Main message of this book is to encourage, empower and teach us how to live a simpler life. Ironicallly
I think maybe since I've been reading it (which, incidently is really only this week as I've had some more time to myself), I may have got myself more stressed which could be the reason for this headache?........
So why would reading a book that is supposed to be informing me that life doesn't have to be stressful in the least, be making me feel slightly restless?..........
Tom Hodgkinson is living the life I endeavour to. A simple, basic, enjoyable and creative life. My stress stems from the fact that I want to be living that life too, and with a few major changes, which are all on the horizon this will be happening, perhaps within a year. However there is much to be sorted out first and maybe reading the book is reminding me that what I am striving towards is actually going to happen but that feels a little scary, exciting and uncertain. Maybe the stress also comes from wanting my husband to want what I want and knowing that he has a slight variation on my aspirations (even though he totally values them) and the knowledge that we will have to
work through that.
(Having found my vocation, I am now on the way to making that the center of my working life with my husband. We have found a vocation that we both want to make a life from, yes we have slightly different ideas about how we are going to make it work, but make it work we will and I hope to record the journey on DragonFly Aspirations!)
I WILL be writing about this book and how it is relevant to me probably for the duration of this blog! I share Tom Hodgkinson's philosophy on life completely. My aspiration is to follow that philosophy as closely as possible. It won't be easy, and will present challenges, but I totally believe in his attitude, beliefs and values and appreciate that I now own a manual that sums them all up so neatly and presisely! It makes life a little easier to know that I have this valuable resource to hand, so that I can keep referrring to it whenever I am experiencing self doubt in my desire to "throw off the shackles"!
Rules for Being Human:
- You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it but it is yours for the entire time this time around.
- You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called Life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant or stupid.
- There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentaion. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".
- A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
- Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive there are lessons to be learned.
- "There" is not better than "here". When your "there" has become "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here"
- Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
- What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you.
- Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need is to look, listen and trust.
- YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS.
I am off to walk my dogs feeling extremely smug and satisfied that I have completed post no. 7!
Till post no. 8 - GO AND ENJOY ALL THAT NATURAL WEALTH AWAITING FOR YOU OUTSIDE!
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